Life in Journals Past

The fireworks in Washington, DC for the 4th of July have always been spectacular.  This year I tried a new location, sitting near the Jefferson Memorial, looking across the Tidal Basin to the spot on the National Mall where they are launched.  It was not crowded, with many families and kids. A delightful spot.  Of all the pictures, I like this shot the best, where you can see the shadow of a duck at the bottom.    

For the last few weeks I have been reading through old journals.  I am looking for material to use in an article I have been invited to write for a magazine, but that is a story for a later time.  My purpose is to scan through all of the last 12 years of journals, quickly, in order to identify the relevant entries.  Everything needs to be checked, but only some is relevant to what I will be writing, and those sections need to be marked and indexed. 

Many times before, I have gone back to read specific sections or periods of time.  Usually it was to explore, and sometimes process, something that had happened earlier.  Or, the journal included a significant trip abroad or conference/training notes. 

So, scanning through many, many pages of old material is a new experience.  It is a bit like fast forwarding through a movie - looking for specific details, while also gaining a perspective over the whole story.

Some things I expected.  Since I usually journal when I am upset, maybe angry about what is happening, struggling to get unstuck, or bored with my paying job, the amount of negative and depressed entries doesn't surprise me.  In one journal, I actually warned anyone reading it in the future that what I have written about is only a small part of my life.  Life has been much better than the journal would seem to indicate.

What has been startling are the times when months or years before I could even know about something good in the future, I wrote or dreamed in anticipation of that event or change.  Deep desires and urges came to fruition. Not that there wasn't lots of thrashing around, trying out different options and paths, only to have them fail or lead to nowhere. Both were mixed up together.

There are also times when intense conflict or struggle broke through into letting go of something old and opening up to something new.  Going forward, the one piece of advice would be to take courage, to face into the conflict, to be as honest as possible, and keep writing. 

Often I recorded during the hard times how hard it was to write, because writing led directly into the conflict.  The practice and intentionality of doing the writing has been important in building up my courage, giving the capacity to challenge myself, strengthening self-awareness and trying-out new understandings. 

There are a number of times when I recorded spectacular fireworks, within myself, and in relationship with others.  Those fireworks don't happen very often, and when they do, the experience is from within.  Imagine the experience of sitting in a firework shell, as it blasted off the ground, feeling the acceleration, the noise, the bright light and the streaming of burning fire.  It is scary rather than exciting. 

Reading about those explosions now, it is interesting to be on the outside.   Fireworks are fun to watch if you are a safe distance from them.  That may change with the more recent journals?