While researching the story of Jacob with the angel, I looked for images available on the Internet. This drawing by Bonnat makes it dramatically visible how intimate wrestling is. Bare flesh against bare flesh, and faces held just inches from each other. The intimacy is not just physical. It includes all aspects of a person, such as the emotional and intellectual, as two persons battle to gain the upper hand, moving into a position of power.
How does this adult who avoided wrestling in high school gym class engage with this image? As a teenage male, holding another boy closely made me anxious. It was too close to the intimacy I desired even though society told me it was wrong. Even now, I want to avoid the intensity of wrestling, especially with God.
So, how can any of us put himself or herself into this story am imagine we can wrestle with God? As I try to picture what that would be like, I want to make it into an interior rather than an exterior struggle. I am good at intellectual manipulation of ideas and thoughts. That feels much safer. Yet, my own body betrays me with a knot in my stomach and tight shoulders. I am wholly caught up in the struggle.
One of my cherished images of God is a companion on my journey. I have been comforted by the idea of God walking beside me, often in silence, but there to turn to as I needed. There has been a comfortable distance between us, the equivalent of the 30 or so inches that social norms require for friendship. So, when did the One who has been nearby but not deeply engaged become so closely and intensely entangled in my life?
Didn’t I keep saying, praying, and hoping for a closer relationship with God? But I did not expect this kind of conflict between us, this struggle over who would be stronger. I want God to do it my way. Just like Jacob, I want to define the direction and set my own goals.
How dare I take on the all powerful, all knowing creator of my own flesh? Not only is it dangerous but it is totally foolish. There really would have been no match if God chose to be all powerful creator of the universe. I would have been beaten into submission at the first sign of my resistance. Maybe this is an invitation from God to move into a new level of relationship, or intimacy?
How does this adult who avoided wrestling in high school gym class engage with this image? As a teenage male, holding another boy closely made me anxious. It was too close to the intimacy I desired even though society told me it was wrong. Even now, I want to avoid the intensity of wrestling, especially with God.
So, how can any of us put himself or herself into this story am imagine we can wrestle with God? As I try to picture what that would be like, I want to make it into an interior rather than an exterior struggle. I am good at intellectual manipulation of ideas and thoughts. That feels much safer. Yet, my own body betrays me with a knot in my stomach and tight shoulders. I am wholly caught up in the struggle.
One of my cherished images of God is a companion on my journey. I have been comforted by the idea of God walking beside me, often in silence, but there to turn to as I needed. There has been a comfortable distance between us, the equivalent of the 30 or so inches that social norms require for friendship. So, when did the One who has been nearby but not deeply engaged become so closely and intensely entangled in my life?
Didn’t I keep saying, praying, and hoping for a closer relationship with God? But I did not expect this kind of conflict between us, this struggle over who would be stronger. I want God to do it my way. Just like Jacob, I want to define the direction and set my own goals.
How dare I take on the all powerful, all knowing creator of my own flesh? Not only is it dangerous but it is totally foolish. There really would have been no match if God chose to be all powerful creator of the universe. I would have been beaten into submission at the first sign of my resistance. Maybe this is an invitation from God to move into a new level of relationship, or intimacy?
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