Opening Doors

The last six months have been intense and challenging.  It is difficult to have decades worth of identity and habits changed.  Even with a focus over the last few years to unlock my identity from my job, I was still "attached" to it.  I had limited energy or freedom to explore new possibilities. 

When I told others about my job situation, many offered their belief that I would get a better job and be happier.  While I appreciated their desire to cheer and encourage me, I could not feel the hope they were offering.  My standard response was, "I may get there someday, but I am not there now."  Even now, on an important and exciting new journey, I am not there.

There is an excellent animated video on the Power of Empathy on Brené Brown's Blog.  It contrasts the difference between sympathy and empathy, how empathy involves connection.  Much of my training in Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) has been focused on developing skills of empathic listening, which is not easy. We prefer to sympathize, because that keeps a safe distance from the pain of the person suffering.  But I am getting ahead of myself.

For the last several years I have been experiencing a dark night of the soul.  I have been wondering why God has not been responding to my deep desire to move into a more direct form of ministry.  I felt ready, but nothing was happening.  Over those years, I wondered where God was, and struggled with my need for God to respond. 

As I noted in the last blog, In Transition, What is God asking me to consider?  Will I need let go of more than what has already been taken away?  Yes, God has asked me to consider something entirely new. Unexpected doors have been placed in front of me.  It has been up to me whether to open, and step through those doors, into whatever lies on the other side.  I had to learn to trust in God again, that God was indeed inviting me into a new, unexpected direction. I had to let go of much more than I expected, which has been painful, confusing and full of grief.  Yet, there has been the outrageous promise of a new possibility.

The list of all the opened doors would be long, so here are a few of them.  As I drove home the day I was told I no longer had a job, I decided to volunteer with the Calvert Hospice.  I also followed a lead in my network and met with a hospice chaplain who advised I get CPE training.  I worked on my application during a long vacation in July.  Returning in early August, I sent my application to the program at Goodwin House, expecting to get into the Winter unit starting in January.  Just minutes before arriving for a meeting with the volunteer coordinator at Calvert Hospice, I received a phone call from Dan Duggan inviting me to interview for the Fall unit, starting in a few weeks.  He also arranged my clinical time as a volunteer chaplain with Capital Caring in their Washington, DC office.

The experience has been challenging and encouraging.  Within the CPE group I found myself dealing with the still unresolved grief of my lost job.  While they provided a safe place for me to work through it, I was pushed to go deeper.  Issues I would have put off until later were brought to the surface.  Connections with previous losses were exposed. 

Chaplains at Capital Caring also have been very supportive.  They took time to let me shadow them as they visited clients and answered my many questions.

This holiday time is giving me time to sort through and absorb what I have been learning.  I wonder what new doors will become available in the new year?