Many of us struggle with setting aside time for the “empty spaces” in which we can pay attention and listen to our inner conversations, maybe even get a peek into our souls. Much of life distracts us from being able to shift our attention that direction. Sometimes, when we are anxious about what we might learn, we search for distractions to avoid listening to what is going on inside.
As the long gap in my entries on this blog indicates, I have been struggling to find that time for several weeks now. It is too easy to postpone it, thinking I will be able to fit it into the weekend, or maybe late at night after turning off the television. Of course other things crowd into the weekend, and I am usually too tired late at night.
I am not complaining, because my life has been rich with many things that engage and challenge me. But, when the “empty spaces” keep slipping away, I also find it much harder to notice God.
Dar Williams describes the necessity of time by herself:
“I say to my husband, to the people around me, sorry I cannot do this right now because I have to go wander in a field. Its really what I do for a living . . .”So, what if I were to claim the same statement, that “its really what I do for a living.” I don’t mean “living" as punching a time clock or producing a commodity to earn an income, the way she is using that phrase. But “for a living” can mean an intentional, purposeful way of living one’s life.
I know when I insist on regularly including those spaces in my schedule the quality of my life improves significantly. I am more creative in working with others, I can better resist the anxiety of the times, and I can offer a sense of being present to all I meet. All aspects of my living is better.
At one time in my life I believed the promises of a personal planner company, that by using their product and taking their training I would be able to control my schedule, make all of the pieces fit, and live a balanced life. Our society constantly promotes that fantasy in order to manipulate our self-image and sell us products.
Then I asked a coworker, who is also a visual artist, who she keeps her office job and her art in balance. She shocked me by saying there is no way to keep them in balance. She found herself fully focused on one because of the intellectual and emotional demands to do the work while nothing happened with the other. Over a period of months or even years she hoped to get a balance for herself, but not on a daily or weekly basis.
While it is hard keep that longer-term model of balance, I found it to be both true and healthful. Even though I have not been able to do this kind of writing as much as I have liked, I have been able to find times for private writing in my journal, which records thoughts and feelings for later review. There has been time found for making music on my recorder, both individual practice and rehearsing with my group. I have been able to use my time to enjoy different friends and family, while also making time to meet and learn about people at my new church community.
While that has all been good, I have still struggled to fit in the “empty spaces.” But, as long as I keep aware, and asking the question, I believe I will find the blend of what will sustain me, even if it is not in balance.
Thank you Dar Williams for your insight!
P.S. Writing this essay has been an experience in how much I have needed to work through this topic since first hearing the interview three weeks ago. So much has been working in my head, below my awareness, that there is a rush to get it all onto the page, to bring the pieces together, and to follow the newly noticed threads. Writing becomes one way in which I can listen in the “empty spaces” to what is important, meaningful, and what I want to communicate to others.
